I look at him and think about the type of person he is. It’s funny because I’ve known him my entire adult life, but it’s only now that I am really beginning to know him. But then, I am only now beginning to know myself so I shouldn’t be surprised.
He is a paradox, a contradiction.
His nature is at odds with his personality. His Nature is that of a Giver. He’s a giver…to me, to anyone he meets. He gives completely, thoughtlessly, selflessly and generously. And to me, he’s a giver completely in a physical sense. It’s sweet, when I see it. It doesn’t happen on a daily basis really, but I’m always so surprised when I see how he wants, needs even, to give.
His Personality is the opposite. He is arrogant and reclusive. He has this superiority complex that gets on my fucking nerves. He’s not always nice. He is judgmental. Sometimes it borders on rudeness.
I sometimes find myself at odds with these two personas he possesses. How does one exist with the other? I wonder if he ever finds himself at odds with himself?
And as I discover this about him, I realize something about me. I am the opposite.
I am not a Giver. I am a Taker. I am not selfless. I am narcissistic. I’m not happy about that, so I hide it. I do nice things so that it will make me look good. Not selfless at all.
I admire his generosity, and yet I am annoyed by it.
When we first met, nearly 17 years ago, he told me that he was an asshole. It was a warning. I learned that is was true, he is an asshole. But I wonder if he has realized that I am an asshole too. A bigger one than he is.